A Day in the Life of a Fool

2002-07-03T08:03:00.000-07:00

Please remove this blog from links and what not, I'm not updating anymore. It's been a year and a quarter of writing, and I don't necessarily want to delete it all, so simply unlink me.

I just want something that lasts.
Something. Not just a placebo, the perfect drug.

3/19/2001 10:19:53 PM to 7/3/2002 12:03:53 PM

2002-07-02T06:57:00.000-07:00

But if there was a single truth, a single light
A single thought, a singular touch of grace

I want to go back to the day when I didn't know what family was meant to be. I want to remember how the arms of chairs could be horses and the hardwood floor a cool pool of water. The days I spent biking in the summer and when drugs and alcohol weren't a concern in my world. With all righteousness, without my quest for innocence getting in the way of my judgement, I blame alcohol and drugs for my failed friendships, the silent hurt between them, and the ones that are currently falling apart silently as well. If none of my friends had gotten involved with them, our lives would be different. Better or worse-- anything but this.
Is it spite? Am I lonely in my half-way world? I've neither taken the path of discouragement or support. Therefore, I'm pretty much in the bushes making my own path. Falling behind. Why is it that when you care so much, you're left behind by both sides?
After worrying about others and trying to make up my opinion on things, I've neglected myself. It's time to fix that, and time to be honest. It's not fair that I love you so much. It's not fair. Sometimes I hate it. Like when you close me off with your head in your arms, not even responding to my concerns. Think of me. I've had enough of this. I can't stand to see you this way, I don't understand exactly why, there's just something so pathetic about it that couldn't even come close to the real you. You are not the weak person that these influences make you seem. These things are insulting to you, demeaning to your character.
You don't lose anything by stoping. I don't want to write here anymore. I want to say it to your face and stop cowarding behind this journal, knowing you'll read it and make up your own mind about it. I hate it. I hate it so much. I coward behind this blog like I coward behind the glass wall between my family and friends. I can't do this anymore. I have to be honest now.
I'm done, this was really stupid, but I don't care what people think of me anymore. I need to start telling myself and other people the truth from now on.

Then following this single point , this single flame,
The single haunted memory of your face.

2002-07-01T07:13:00.000-07:00

If it takes another thousand years, a thousand wars,
The towers rise to numberless floors in space...

I wish I was working today. I wish I could make money while distracting myself and keeping myself busy from this horrible feeling. I want to change, but I don't at the same time. It's really hard on me. I need to get rid of this blog. It harbours too many things that I'd like to die. I don't know when, but this blog is dead.

2002-06-30T01:56:00.000-07:00

Things are difficult to deal with...

2002-06-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

A million roads, a million fears
A million suns, ten million years of uncertainty.

2002-06-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

Just telling you where I am in life.

2002-06-28T18:33:00.000-07:00

Here is the way I've been living my life for two years.
Through the best instinct, choosing what feels best.
Waiting.
Hoping, thus without trust.
Getting as close to the flame without burning myself.
Through a fog of depression.
Being dishonest to myself and others.
Refusing to be weak.
Not recovering from old wounds.
Trying to impress others.
Tempting myself into places I never wanted to be.
In an identity crisis.
Losing myself to both sides, thus, acting fakely.
Coldly.
With heartache.
Painfully.
Waiting.
Without letting God love me, or anybody else.
With everything getting in the way, and not letting myself live.

It's time to let this part of me die. Tonight, I was inspired by Jamie, a coworker, through his testimony-- to get my life back on track. I'm not talking about "problems" like drugs or alcohol. I'm talking, inside of me. I need to kick some people and things out of my life. I need to do some housecleaning. And I need your support. I've had revelations like this before, but I needed it more than ever tonight. Thanks to God for saving my life. I don't care who reads this, what faith you are, whatever you believe in. I won't regret this tomorrow morning. Think of me what you will, but I'm going to change with the little faith I have and His grace and forgiveness. It feels amazing. I feel something burning again. Wonderful. I believe I'll be happy again.

2002-06-28T11:38:00.000-07:00

I could shed another million tears, a million breaths,
A million names but only one truth to face.

2002-06-27T10:50:00.000-07:00

You remind me of waking up in the morning, sun shining in the window with warm sheets and hearing someone upstairs making your favorite breakfast, calling you up to it, that happiness and blissfulness. That's what you are.

2002-06-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

I work tomorrow at the Confederation Mall from 9-12 am, therefore, I'm not doing anything tonight. Actually, I may be getting a phone call. I have no idea what I'm doing Canada day. What's going on. I'm really tired. Last night, we were camping and I was half asleep when I felt like someone had their hand resting on my back. Then, holding my hand. It was strange, I guess I was too exhausted... It started pouring rain out, it was great being huddled with friends with the lightning and thunder all around us.
Late last night, we were playing in the playground and got arrested. Well, not really. Andrew and I were riding this kid's equipment making orgasmic sounds when we saw two security officers approaching with flashlights. We, uh, stopped.
"Does this belong to you?"
"Uh, what?" Long pause, mumbling, "Oh, no."
One of them picks up the unopened beer sitting on the edge of the sandbox next to our flashlight, pops it open and empties it out.
"You guys are gonna have to come with us."
Then, Nadine picks up the flashlight that had been sitting next to the beer bottle and we start processing to who-knows-where.
So, Nadine, Andrew, Emily and I are escorted back to our camping area, when halfway through our journey, Emily asks, "Are we in... trouble?" in that little girly voice to one of the officers. Ha.
"Hey now, where's the fire?"

2002-06-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

"Hey, you guys know how long I've had my license?"
"How long?"
"A week. Got it on Monday. Reassuring, right?"
"... Ha!"
Anyone know what a Toyota Highlander looks like? Ever drive one? Oh yeah, baby, yeah. I was the designated driver prom night, since I wasn't under the graduated license system or under the influence. Almost hit a car pulling out of the parking space right off, but otherwise, I'm pretty proud of my driving that huge mother fucker. The Score playing in the background, tapping the pedals with my prom shoes, drunk people being funny in the back, and beside me being quiet and watching out for me... thank yous all around, I don't mind. It was the first time I drove at night, too. Whoo!

2002-06-26T08:08:00.000-07:00

Got to be good looking 'cause it's so hard to see.
"That's the best line of the song."
"What does it mean? I don't understand."
I wanted to see what he had to say. Something deep, something interesting? Symbolism or philosophical?
"You know. You've got to look hard because something's hard to see. I don't know... it's the best line of the song."
"Oh. Yeah. Right."

2002-06-25T16:22:00.000-07:00

Here's a part of my life that doesn't make sense. It worries me, I'm wondering if I'll come out hurt in the end. I'm anxious to know what will come out of this thing, that questions seem to stem a mile away from. I'm walking blindly into something that is receiving me with open arms. I want to ditch the logical.

2002-06-24T07:10:00.000-07:00

Confusing. Hard. Difficult. But I know the truth, deep down inside. It hurts too. Why must my life be so emotionally ravaging.

2002-06-24T07:09:00.000-07:00

Need more explanation? I have none. Update: I'm going to prom tonight. I got bitten alive in my new swimsuit at the freshwater lake we went to. H-J, Joel, Angus and I. Strange.

2002-06-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

"I need a hug."
"We made it."
"You know... I didn't think I was going to make it until the end of this year."
"Well, we did, here we are... we graduated."
"I seriously didn't think I was going to make it."
It was a long stretch in a narrow hallway with no lights. The ceiling was getting lower, the air hotter and thicker. Clausterphobia tensed my muscles and my mind raced for something better, and most importantly of all, it waited for something better. I was walking into the gym at UPEI with the other graduates, and I felt strange.
"Take advantage of this next year to be a kid. Don't be a grade twelve, don't be the top of the school. You don't have to be a leader or distinguish a role for yourself. Just be a kid, enjoy it while it lasts. You can't be a kid in University. You have to grow up, no matter what people say."
"That's true."
During the graduation, I thought about events that affected me the most in my life, and that's when I started crying. I think I put alot of things behind me. I'll never forget, but I put a bandaid on and kept walking. I sat there thinking about my friends, good times, and the most unstable issue of family. Things may be put behind me, but they may not be put at rest.
Sandspit was fun, gambling and stuffing thousand dollar bills down peoples' shirts was enjoyable, and having screaming orgasms on rides was good too. Thanks for putting up with Krystle and I as we repeatedly said things like "I am a BANANA!" and "My spoon is too big. My spoon... is too big!". Ha.
So I'm bent over on a game table playing blackjack or something at the mock-casino at the beginning of the chem-free evening, and I feel someone pinch my ass. I turn around, horrified, and expect to see Megan, Angie or Jenna looming over me... and horrors! It was Daniel Wright, smiling like a disgusting fool. My jaw dropped, heard a burst of laughter from the guy that paid him fake casino bills to pinch my ass. Damnit! At least he gave me money later to buy some iced tea. "You should feel dirty." -Emily
I'm leaving for Halifax today, I'll be back on Tuesday. I'm not sure what to think of the purpose of this trip anymore. I'll just say, I'll be missing you guys.
"Why are you going away?"
"I'm going to prom with my... well. Uh. You see, we met a few years ago and then met again a few months ago..."
Anyway. Have a good weekend.
"Time doesn't wait for you."

2002-06-21T09:28:00.000-07:00

what's your battle cry? |
mewing.net | merchandise!

2002-06-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, childhood... oh my God! I'm going to cry to that, and only that, tonight. I feel like my innocence is sweeping away through a coffee filter, if you will. And all is left is that mucky coffee crap that you throw away at the end. Awww. Making myself cry isn't hard enough. Bye bye.

2002-06-20T12:48:00.000-07:00

The quickest update ever, or sortof... well, I'm graduating tonight. 7:45, see me walk in. 8:00 official ceremonies. I had the most hectic day today, a great campfire in Montague with celebratory hotdogs, marshmallows and refreshements. My day started at nine and I just got home. Worked at the hospital, going to practice with Robyn at 5:30, then I'm off to the school to pick up my robe. My goodness. I have no time to really write anything down. Well. I'm feeling... scared. Like in August. Also, nervous about my piano playing, but that's also unavoidable. I saw Dean today. I'm leaving for Halifax tomorrow supper-time. Coming home Tuesday, I'll update tomorrow though.
Congratulations to the graduates of 2002.

2002-06-19T12:30:00.000-07:00

So many things to go. Work's good, I'm tired, and I can't go out tonight. Interfaith rehearsal, report cards, and graduation rehearsal tonight. Working tomorrow afternoon at the hospital.

2002-06-18T07:56:00.000-07:00

Non-emo Update
I passed my driver's test, I now have my licence. Is it wrong to be excited about being a designated driver?
Working my first training shift at Crema Coffee this afternoon, two o'clock until five thirty. Come visit me, I'll make you something... maybe. I'm excited for work, it gives me a summer purpose and spending money. I'm working tomorrow at the Confederation mall too, hope to see someone I know. Then, at the hospital the next day. I hope not to see you there.
Grayapallooza tonight, since my beach plans were cancelled, I'm all for it.
I get my report card back tomorrow night. Ouch. I graduate Thursday night at UPEI, go to chem free activities until mid-morning, and leave for Halifax/ Antigonish that day, too.
I went to Robyn McQuaid's house this morning at ten to practice "The Greatest Love of All", in which I'm accompanying her for the graduation ceremonies. I also have to practice stuff for the interfaith service...
I'm picking my courses for Mount Allison tomorrow morning. With my mother. All hell will break loose.
Well, wasn't that new and refreshing? Not involving my stupid feelings in things makes me feel like I've accomplished something. Now, to celebrate with lunch.

2002-06-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

Things that should be on Tshirts
You Only Tell Me You Love Me When You're Drunk
Emo Fortune For Today: Crap

2002-06-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

[8/28/2001 3:52:50 PM]
I'm not ready for school. I can't go through with it. If I stay this way, I'm not going to make it through. I'm going to let everyone down. I'm going to be a failure, unless I just sell out. By selling out, I would put everything in my head aside and concentrate on school. School school school. Damn school. I hate the place. It's superficial, fake, and phony. I hate it. It changes everyone. I swear, it's evil. It makes us put everything else aside and concentrate on memorizing things you'll forget anyways and that you'll never use. Yeah. What a waste of time. It's a waste, but you can't get anywhere without it. I'm going to cry at the end of this year, because I'll be so scared. I dont know why exactly, but I'll be scared. Just like now, I'm not sure why I'm so damn scared. I seem fine. But I'm not. I think I might have some kind of disease where you're clausterphobic of your body and you're all frightened of yourself. That's a possibility, since I'm quite small. But it's not my fault, it's not like I try. It's a disease, so lay off. I'm scared of losing myself, that's part of it. Not that I actually knew myself, but I think I was beginning to discover things that I value and believe. I'm scared of losing myself. What do I want to be? Where do I want to be?
I want to know by the end of this year. I'll read this the day of my graduation. You'll see

[8/23/2001 2:36:46 PM]
I mean... even my personality has gotten less silly during this year. I've become a little... darker-spirited. Kindof... distant. You wouldn't know by the way I act sometimes, but when I think about it, everything seems so much less "obliviously happy".

8/17/2001 1:10:30 PM
I looked at where I was two years ago. School was good, I was one happy camper, no kidding. Did I change for the better? I've learned alot, I guess. And it's time to move on with this. I don't want to be sad anymore. Let me reminice...

I just watched them. Whoever it was. It was so odd, knowing that I'd be facing this. The sky was clear, and we sat on the playground equipment. Where children play. I wasn't sure what to think. I didn't think I'd find myself here at this point of my life. The relief was that I wasn't here, I was over there. I'd made up my mind, and I wanted to stand alone. That's what made me different that night. I wanted to go home, but not alone. My paranoid self. [Don't tell me you think I'm judging you. You're not a bad person. You do your thing, I'll do mine. We all have our reasons, and I certainly have mine. So please don't make me out as a bad person, because I'm not judging you. Because I love you. I don't know why I'm sad. You're still the same to me. I care too much... I shouldn't get too close... because I'll get burned. But I do love you, and I wish I sincerely knew you loved me just as much.]
And I'm not selling out. It takes just once to sell out.

2002-06-17T13:44:00.000-07:00

"Oh look! It's a mini human!" -Chantal Coady about Mrs. Cutcliffe's kid

There was nothing more confidence-boosting than prom. Compliments from strangers, family and friends made me feel really good. I felt great, I try to feed off of that moment. It seems that the year was holding out until that night, when everything was worth smiling for.
"People respect a sense of self."
Well, sometime in my blogging career many months ago, I made a statement about what I want out of this silly thing. I wanted to gain a sense of self, and be able to write and read myself like I do with others. I wanted to see myself like I see everyone else. It's honest, unsympathetic, and raw in a way. Perhaps I'm too harsh on people. I wanted to gain a sense of self before going away to University, where there's no one left to input on my personality traits and characteristics. When I go away, I'll subconsciously choose my own influences, good or bad, instead of constantly having people around that I can pick and choose little pieces from. It's going to be an insecure time next year, since as I've realized, I haven't found anything more than I started with. I haven't found a passion, a love or something that I can base myself on or a form of happiness. Instead, I found alot of unhappiness and something that seems insurpassible, even in happy times like these.
I still haven't found what I'm looking for. But hell, what would be the point of life? That could sound like an awful thing, but I can only hope it'll be a form of motivation.
Why do I do this to myself. Thinking kills you every time.

I want an identity. I'm still not sure what that means to me. The words seem to fit the certain feeling, though. I want to know who I am, and related to this, I want to know my loves. For example, I want to love hobbies. I want to have a favorite way to dress. I want to have things to love, material things and non-material things. Everything is just... 8/30/2001 1:05:20 PM
Hopeless. I used to dream about these last few pages of the chapter, which were good after my last exam. But, needless to say, I'm disappointed overall.

2002-06-15T17:58:00.000-07:00

I met a lot of people Friday night/ Saturday morning, it was great. I had a great time. Didn't do any drugs, of course. It's not my thing. Neither is drinking, but a bit of good-tasting things (other than beer) were in order for the evening. Beer is disgusting, Smirnoff is yummy. I got to try that Bacardi Silver, it was alright. Afterall, I'm not hardcore.
Sam Smith, Jamie Power, Mike Mahar, and Ian Ritchie (I knew Ian before, because he's my neighbor and all) are pretty cool people, why must I let imaginary social barriers prevent me from having enough confidence to speak to people sometimes? That was a long sentence to describe my insecurity around really cool people. Brehkan? He told me his name was spelled strangely, so that was me trying to spell it weird. It's Scottish.
So, as usual, I was conflicted last night with an issue. Oh, but it was the most important of all: innocence. I scared the hell out of Jenna talking about it, anything that came to mind. I can't say it was as freeing and unburdening as I wanted it to be, because I wasn't sober, but since I wasn't drunk, what I was saying really hit home. I don't even want to write it down, it freaks me out.
All in all, I really wanted to spend some time with my other chicks, Emily, Amy, Erica, Deanna, Angie, etc. I was a bit afraid that you would ignore me since I was drinking. That would have hurt, and all I wanted was some time. I guess I'm being paranoid again, because you'd accept me for all my crazy antics, no matter what happened to me; that's what friends are for. You're very good friends to me. I missed you that night. And Ms. Best, who was being the socialite of the year (only with Goat, might I add, and anyone else but me!) Kidding, kidding.
It was funny to see people doing illegal things out in the open. I kindof laughed at that. AND when Lindsay, Amy and I went into the woods to pee and we heard someone wandering through near us... it was just Krystle. What a night, what a night to remember. Prom was beautiful, and prom party was kick butt dirty fun.

"AHHHH!" Freaks out for a few minutes.
"What? What?!"
"My icecream cone tastes like beer!"
"You're such an alky."
"No... NOooo!" *sobs

2002-06-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Wow. What a night. And morning. Woah. Overload. I have to sleep. Things taste strange and all I can say is nonsense. Thanks to all the people who made my night the greatest related to school or Colonel Gray people. Meh. I guess that's an accomplishment, considering I'm not much of a fan of either. Prom-prep, supper, pictures, the walk-in, the dance, the end, the party.

2002-06-14T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'm terrified and terrific

2002-06-13T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wondering, wondering kills you. Every few minutes, their face flashes in your mind, and time seems to stop for them. It breaks the barriers of responsibility and makes it's own rules. All you want to do is think of him. And when he can't be there for you, you start forgetting his face and the way he was... There's something horribly sad about that. More painful, hopeless and sad than the joys and happiness in it's creation. I suppose it's the price of falling...
All the questions without answers. And those who were never meant to be answered-- hurt, strangely.

And why does it feel like I levitate a little
Every time I see your name printed in front of me?
I haven't even promised you anything yet.
I have not tempted you with anything beyond my will
And I know that I have not impressed you far enough
For you to risk so much for me.
Are you sure you haven't changed your mind?
I can only hope, while I wonder.
Somehow, you have become to me
More than words dare to describe.
You have slipped under my defences...
And I grow weaker with every letter you write --- but
Somehow grow stronger
Because of what you do for me inside.

There is something wrong with writing a post this late. I truly think it's unhealthy for me. I should make a blog-curfew. I'm such an addict. Well, other than blindly writing my feelings and emotions to strangers, acquaintances and friends online (open to opinion, therefore, for which I've specifically NOT put up a comment system), I was feeling good this afternoon. I'm not sure if that sentence made sense. I'm braindead. I feel as though I've slumped back into the ol' habit, but tomorrow (or today, now) will be an exciting and full day. Wish me luck in smiling, living and loving today.

2002-06-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

I'm done. Oh my. I'm done.
Let's shagass! And now, the quote of the day.
"I can't shag ass with you tonight, but I definitely will be shagging ass tomorrow night. I will shag so much ass that I will not remember who's ass I was shagging and how many times." -Anonymous

2002-06-12T19:19:00.000-07:00

you're the virgin suicides. you're sad but pretty, and very, very dreamy.

take the which prettie movie are you? quiz

2002-06-12T13:57:00.000-07:00

Your broken sentences
Unfinished in streaming, overlapping thought
All set you apart.
But how could your thoughts mirror my own?
How could unique deja vous,
All draw me nearer to you.

2002-06-12T07:50:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. I've been really insane lately. Perhaps if I tried to supress this anxiety/anticipation/stress/carelessness, I would be a better person. Oh well.

2002-06-11T17:02:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be interesting, OK

take the death quiz.

2002-06-11T14:15:00.000-07:00

This was a more serious post, but slowly became an insane one.
It's great to see people passionate about something serious, such as prevention drunk driving. Where did this thought come from? Jamesy's blog comments. Why I had the urge to write this, I don't know. Maybe I'd like something to get angry about. I haven't been very angry in a long time, there's been no outlet, person or thing that has made me completely crazy-mad. Ha. That was redundant. Or... have I forgotten what redundant means?
Anyway, I'm pretty brain dead from studying. My calculus exam went badly, I'd say, but I know I passed. It all depends by how much I passed the exam.
Well, who the fuck wants to write or read about my fucking exams? Not me! Exams can "fuck me right in the ear". To label this quote with only one name would be unfair, since I've heard that said by Megan, Jenna, and Krystle.
Levitate=butterflies=wonderful nervousness. I like that.
The end of my exam/schooling career is coming quickly. "He'll say something like... It's coming! It's coming!" This time I will leave this quote anonymous for the simple reason of embarassment. After my last exam, I will get up, hand my paper in, and say to myself (or Ms. Best, if she will be present then), "NOW is the time to shagass". For all the fun and outings to the beach I've missed, I will personally make it up by spending some personal time with YOU! Excited yet? Perhaps I should enter the win a date with Taylor Carver this year. Ha. The trick is, to write really freaky things so you will be (and remain) unwanted by both sexes. No woman, no cry.
So, I make a fool of myself a whole new way every day on this blog. Formal introduction: notice the title.

2002-06-10T15:04:00.000-07:00

Hey. What's gotten over me these past few days.
I don't feel particularily sad today, but I keep getting little flashes of "I feel awful, this is one of the worst days ever". I'm so fucking moody. I'm in no mood to sit here and write about it, trying to figure it out. I just want to type this now, whatever comes to mind. I didn't have a bad day, it just seems like the right emotion to feel now. I am also very scared. I'm not sure why, it seems beyond the graduating/exams/end of year paranoia. It's stemming from that part of me I told you about a few days ago. Deep within the last layers of my mind, as Gene Forrester of "A Separate Peace" has said.

2002-06-10T13:47:00.000-07:00

Abstract thoughts
"That opening makes me wanna put black wristbands on and go dig through dumpsters to find food.. Not! Ian ritchie is no whiney punk emo kid." Ha!

Wrote my exam, I'm feeling alright. Very abstract thoughts today, beware. Watch yourselves.

Mmmm... Bacardi Silver. Citrus-y 7% alcohol smoothness. Must-resist-urge-to-being-sucked-in-by-commercial. Television makes things look so good. If there were DuMaurier cigarette and ecstasy commercials, I'm sure I'd be drooling over that too. Uh. Where did that come from.

I think my mother is still under the impression that legal age to drink in Montreal is nineteen. HA. I'll prove her wrong this summer... yes, without telling her. So what. Go away.

Contrasting to good things, the "musical artist" Bow Wow has baby girls of all ages in his newest video, "Take Ya Home". Divided between skimpy revealing clothes and tight cotton T's, C cups and no cups at all-- I'm sure we'll look back (if he even LASTS) and laugh at this teenage boy with the conflicting tastes in women. I'm sure they simply had to put the young girls his age in the video so he wouldn't seem so "exploited" and horny. I mean, he's still a kid. But then again, they're portraying these young preteen girls in such videos, next to twenty year old whores. There's something wrong with that, just plain wrong.
You know what else is wrong? Shakira's "Whatever, Wherever" lyrics, the way Mary J. Blidge looks in the video "Family Affair", and MuchMusic VJ Namugenni's (sp?) tendency to wear tight shirts when she's cold. My goodness, it's time to use some common sense.

Hey, all you hardcore posers, time to learn the mechanics of hardcore dancing.

Did you know that listen and silent are spelled with the same letters?

2002-06-09T17:46:00.000-07:00

I went to bed, strangely serene. Maybe a part of me was freed there. I haven't left anything behind, but it feels different to understand. I think this is only a start to a really scary journey.
I should carry that post around with me and hand it to people when they ask me how my day's been going or what's new.

I was looking at myself in the mirror today, talking to an imaginary person on the other side. I suddenly stopped, thought about what I was saying, and I could see my face darken and my eyes glisten with tears. I felt like a little girl on a footstool, only managing to see my face and part of my neck in the reflection. There was something missing here, something not right about the one on the other side. It was the first time I felt it, as others had described it to me in advice. It wasn't common sense, but some kind of moral interfereance that kicked me out of my daydream.
Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. I am not in love, so what makes me think I have all the right answers?

2002-06-08T19:46:00.000-07:00

Before I publish this post, I must type that I am very nervous about this. Many of you won't understand. Many will not read this all the way through. Many will not trust me. And others will relate, which frightens me.

There are things inside you that can't be put into words. I believe we have a sixth sense, something that can't be perceived through our educated minds, but only with your subconscious or your innate instincts. I can describe that it's windy outside, that I can feel the wind. But what does the wind feel like? Windy. Any other way that wind can be described would be using metaphors or similes. You just feel it.
That may be a poor example of what I'm trying to type, but simply parallel the example with what I'm going to tell you now.

11:11 PM. Make a wish.

First, I have to tell you again, I'm afraid of death. I do not want to commit suicide, I'm frightened by the thought of taking my own life. I'm not quite sure why, just a feeling I get. Thinking of killing myself makes me cringe, thinking of the spite my friends and family would have for my conceit. I've never inflicted pain on myself on purpose, I'm scared of it.

But beyond my analytical mind, beyond a place where words list my emotions and where thoughts run freely within it's bounderies, there's a part of me that's very desperate. There's a part of me that has had enough of life and wants to die. These words are too blunt for the actual feeling, it's actually a much more delicate feeling-- where thoughts run too freely to control. The kind of delicacy you experience when you cry quietly. In a way, it's beautiful. When I try to think about depression, I blame my "sixth sense" for giving up on what my life has to offer, for being so selfish and immature, any normal emotion a girl in an upper-middle class family with good grades and lots of friends would rationalize with. But, this darkness, it doesn't care what "politically correct" feelings I should be experiencing. It has no morals, no societal influence. It's closed off from the outside world-- truly based on human nature, the core of my true self. It has no compassion for my mind's reality and what it has to offer. Perhaps I could go even further, and say that in this part of me, there is no love or hate, but I'm not sure if this makes sense yet, I just thought of it now.

The conflict between my conscious and subconscious mind is the root of many of my problems. It is the root to all my confusion. There is no pill or guidance that can fix this problem, I simply have to live with it day by day. As I typed that, the instinct I had can be said in this way: "no more, please... I don't want to anymore". I was crying inside. I walked my body far too deep into the water. Is this a disease I live with? That word doesn't seem to suit it's depth.

Do you still believe me that I don't want to kill myself, that I'm "simply" haunted by these crazy feelings inside? You should, trust me. For this very important key element in my life, you must trust me. Trust me with everything you have to offer. Remember, I'm afraid of death. These feelings may have a mysterious and strong effect on my mentality, but not enough to overcome this very real fear of losing my life. I think it's because I still have hope and faith, dividing between my conflicting mentalities... acting as a fence between the warring sides.

I'm balancing on that fence as best I can... seizing the bullets from the cross-fire.

2002-06-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

which children's storybook character are you?

2002-06-08T16:52:00.000-07:00

I act like I'm 19.
Take it here.

2002-06-08T12:02:00.000-07:00

I want to wait until this is over. Until then... wait for me, like a friend would.

2002-06-07T18:25:00.000-07:00

Nobody wants to hear me complain. So here I am. I'm confused by love. Three things I want to comment on.

Don't cry over anyone who won't cry over you.
You know, I don't cry much at all anymore. I never did much before but when I did, it was memorable, I guess. I cry when I laugh, but only tears well up in my eyes when I'm very sad. When I laugh, I'm not crying for the right reasons. I am sad when I laugh. I think it's because I'm not really happy, I know the joke's going to be over soon, then what? I'm back where I started. That is sad in itself.
Oh. My comments. It's logic for the mind and heart, only hard to follow through.

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love somebody else. Yes, quite. How would I know? I have two different perspectives on this one. I have watched someone I love, love somebody else-- and I have loved somebody else when somebody loved me. Both hurt, equal pain in my heart, telling me I had done wrong. In the first case, I had wronged myself, and in the second, I wronged that somebody else.

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them. Is that romantic or deceiving?
All I know is that it's true.

"There is no 'hard' way to learn a lesson. There is only a 'sure' way. Not easy, not safe... 'sure'."
I thought that up this morning, but using common sense, it probably already exists in a more intelligible and intelligent writing. Ha.

2002-06-07T11:07:00.000-07:00

Bye bye, school!

2002-06-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

HA! My very last few minutes of public education... free education... sometimes crappy education, but for the mostpart-- educational. I'm an idiot. See, school taught me to express myself so well. I DID learn the word "bitch" in grade three. FUCK! I'M DONE!

2002-06-07T10:08:00.000-07:00

Last period of public schooling in my life. Sentimental? No, not even described as overwhelming. Not right now, anyway. Just strange.

2002-06-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

I had a stressful day today. All I want to do is sit around with my friends and do nothing at all. I just want to stop. Yes, last day of school EVER tomorrow. High school life is over. What have I gained?
I was saying today that I haven't learned anything in the classroom, although school was a medium for life's lessons. How much more learning I could have taken, I won't investigate. I'm afraid that the results would be grim, I had just enough of life's regrets a month ago. I didn't realize that the "regrets" were supposed to be the "learning not to regret again". I see the logic in it, I just don't feel it. I've had not time to think, that's why I've been blogging so much, spilling many things here. I'll have time a week from right now. The thought-conformity, the mind-prison, the enlightenment hell hole will be over. The institution which we call "school", and I like to refer to as all the latter names will be in my past. At least I don't regret anything.

2002-06-05T11:11:00.000-07:00

Topics of conversation between Jenna, Willie, Krystle and I at lunch.
Mostly sex. Oh yeah. That's all I've been talking about today, really. I'm a sick fuck. What else? Nothing else. Going to a formal diner tonight, I love dressing up.
You know what else I love? A man in uniform, baby.

2002-06-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

The look that words can't describe. Adjective or verb? The look of love.
Sometimes I like to think that love is an illness.

It is explained as... inexplicable. What a strange, confusing disease. Your body is shaking, face burning red. You feel weak, you feel anxious. Your concentration is null. You feel like crying, you feel like laughing, and end up doing both at the same time. You have no control, it controls you. Your mind, your heart, your desire is no longer wrapped around your finger. It's wrapped around him. You don't understand it, you are afraid. I mean, have you ever been in love? Have I? You feel lost, spiralling into something unchartered, untouched, delicate. Beautiful.
Free of flaw and imperfection, in your own eyes. Deception, perhaps, although it would be the harshest word to use to describe it. La vie en rose rather than painting it black?
Infatuation or a serious "falling"?
I'm pushing for an "I need to get this out of my head before I bomb every one of my exams". How about that. Come on. Give me one and a half weeks of freedom, and I'll promise to be grateful. I'm going to go drown myself in my studies, now. Don't mind me.

2002-06-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

My vocabulary as been sacrificed to more cramming space for exams.
"Are you fucked?"
"Oh, I'm pretty fucked."

2002-06-04T13:21:00.000-07:00

I wish I was Papa Roach so I could scream "life's not fair" , GET PAID AND LAID FOR IT and whine about some [guy] that screwed my best friend instead of me. Ouch. Heartbreak hotel. Then, I could scream about how pathetic I am in the shadow of that significant other that cheated on me. Ouchies. Life's not fair, is it Mr. Roach.

2002-06-03T17:25:00.000-07:00

"Ghetto prom? Why is it called ghetto prom?!"
I immediately felt ridiculed. Damn grown-ups, they just don't get it.
She cupped her hand so that the person on the other side of the phone line could still hear every single detail, with the facade of oblivion. Like she can fool me. Oh, they had to hear it straight from me, every single detail. It's a weak form of intimidation that mothers use.
"Who are the... terrible twelve?" Her face was contorted into the shape of a question mark.
"Huh?"
"The terrible twelve!" As if I should know...
Oh! I DO know!
"You mean... the Dirty Dozen?"
"Alright!-- who are they?"
"Jon Gillis, Jeff Dohoo, Taylor Carver, Brent Thistle."
She acted like there should have been more than four. Ha. And that "why the HELL are they called dirty dozen?" look resulted from this.
"They have a website together. That's all."
"Why would they be going to your prom party?"
"Because they're friends with some of my friends."
"Do they drink? They're older than you, right."
"I don't know. Doesn't matter if they're older than us. Doesn't mean they drink."
I hope you read this, although I wasn't covering your butt, obviously, I was covering my own. If I can't go to ghetto prom, I just may take up heroin or something, all out of spite.
"What if people show up drunk! You'll be stuck in a bad situation."
"Then we'll leave. It's just as easy as that."
"I don't like the idea. Don't think that I'm going to stop worrying or change my mind about it."

Sigh. I could blame the people that actually asked their mothers if they could even "attend ghetto prom", spilled details in the last resort, got denied the priveledge, and now their mothers are talking about it... to my mother. That could very well be the end of me. Watch yourselves.
Sorry mom, I'd rather spend an evening with my favorite people than my least favorite, the funnest people I know instead of some of the dullest and most ignorant, and drinking versus skank-it-up-piss-their-pants drunk.

2002-06-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

ITC-7 adventures
How to get a job. SELL YOURSELF.
Don't get too casual, too soon.
Keep erect in posture.
If all else fails...
Seduce the employer into giving you a "secretarial" job... on call... night hours only.

2002-06-03T10:06:00.000-07:00

"That was demoralizing..."
I just wrote a physics rewrite that will not likely replace any mark. Including my lowest, a 68%. Ouchy.

2002-06-03T04:15:00.000-07:00

Mister... are you on crack?
I had an overwhelming urge to write that, for no reason. Perhaps because I am on crack. Everyone knows. I'm one crazy bitch.
Everyone MUST watch Hedwig and the Angry Inch at least twice in their lifetime. Oh yeah oh yeah. It's a funny, odd, entertaining, and well, wonderfully done movie. Don't ask me what it's about, just rent it at That's Entertainment or Blockbuster. Even the guy at Blockbuster said it was awesome!
I had a strange dream last night that this little girl lost her mother... five times, obviously the mother didn't care... so I walked around with her in the halls (seemingly at the Colonel Gray craft fair) and I missed playing in concert band. I didn't have my uniform on. Roger saw me, gave me that awful look, then kept walking. Finally, the little girl and I were in some kind of bedroom and the mother came back to get her. But she still didn't care, what could I do? She just took her and left. At least I'd given her a few hours of love, attention and care. Awwww.
It makes me all fucking fuzzy inside. I'm still in a foul mood after sleeping yesterday away. I'll blame the crack.

2002-06-02T08:29:00.000-07:00

Anger Management just ain't doing it
I hope everyone had fun last night at the beach or wherever you were. I, on the other hand, was grabbing an extra blanket at midnight after freezing my butt off uncomfortably for a half hour... in bed, trying to sleep. Waking up today was like a body-hangover, a sore and cramped, etc.
Oh, and the best part is, I started studying at ten. I'm such a dork. I have a Physics rewrite tomorrow, Calculus rewrite the next day, and a calculus test the day after that... and English assignments sprinkled all across the week. NO EXTENTIONS. Don't you fucking well tell me not to worry about these things, because I'm not part of the audio learning group that never studies and gets nineties in every course. I am very jealous of them sometimes, and hide it in mockery. I'm going to worry until everything about school is over in three weeks, so don't bother with your "comforting" about "No worries" and "I don't care how I do" and "Oh well" and "You're stressing too much" and "Just relax" and all that other SHIT. I'm going to kick and/or yell at the next person that says these things to me, providing I feel like it. Maybe I'll just turn around and close my eyes and pretend I didn't hear it (most likely) and give you dirty looks. And avoid you for the rest of the day out of anger.
Alright, I got completely off my subject. Where was I?
I'm FUCKING VISUAL! So fuck school, right up the trophy-cased ass.
I'm going to eat, clean myself up, and hit the books again. Yeah. Progress is slow and I'm frustrated. I'm not stupid, but I'm not doing so well reviewing either. Anger has subsided to mopy boring life. Ahhhhh

2002-06-02T07:56:00.000-07:00

You get the SORORITY SLUT BARBIE!!

You WHORE!!!!!! You're the typical person from high school, seeking to find friends in high places. You're friendly, attractive, and pay little attention to your problems. You are strong emotionally, and dress in trendy clothing. You attract people with your high charisma...AND you're an easy fuck-buddy.

What? This thing is rigged, it has to be. Emily, you're not alone, although it's been statistically proven that you really are a whore.

2002-06-01T19:07:00.000-07:00

Awww. Damn. *sigh*.

2002-06-01T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hedwig and the Angry Itch, here I come!

2002-06-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

After an afternoon walk (which was detrimental to my Calculus studying of identities), practicing my piano pieces, and napping, I am ready for another study period. There will be no one more relieved than me when exams are over NO ONE. And for now, fuck. Fuck. FUCK. FUCK! FUUUUCK!!!

2002-06-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

Abstract thoughts
I feel like a little girl playing dress-up in gold shoes and a silk scarf around my shoulders.
If I were anybody else in the world, well, I'll think of someone well-rounded, happier, more confident, less emotionally handicapped, less conceited and much less ridiculous than myself. I guess I should "learn to love these things about myself".
How about later. Later in life.
Hey, whoopdido, I'm cutting into my physics time. You know, if I bear to give up more of my free time to study a bit more, I'll do much better. I'll feel better about myself, I'll feel accomplished. I think I'll try that right... NOW

2002-06-01T08:45:00.000-07:00

I don't know why
Little log cabin in the woods
Little old man by the window stood
Saw a rabbit hopping by
Knocking on his door.
"Help me, help me!" the rabbit said,
"Or the hunter will shoot me dead!"
"Come little rabbit, come with me!
Happy we will be."

2002-05-31T17:49:00.000-07:00

a sequence of emotional fuck-ups...
So eloquent. My life.

2002-05-31T17:40:00.000-07:00

Your face does bend even the most anorexic mirror into a sensuous playground of muscular spasms.
You like that, baby?

New links, check them out no matter how scary their titles are. Yes, this is what I am doing on a Friday night after being offered to (in chronological order):
Possibly do something with Caterina
Go out with friends to James's
Go to James's through personal invitation
Go to Spider Man/Star Wars with Alex

There was also the possibility of my calling Trish and watching Hedwig and the Angry Itch. I'm so popular. *hack, snort*. I saw a small dog on a leash running that looked like a cat today. Fuck.

2002-05-31T08:51:00.000-07:00

I watched the Much More Music biography on Sting. Wow, who knew? Certainly not me. Good person, centered, talented, rich, and quite good looking. He's been around for awhile.
Anyway. I made a "study schedule" up today in English class. Yes, I'm studying all weekend. I wanted to go visit James, which I haven't seen in too long. Alas, this is a weekend of no fun and no outings. I have to train myself to study, with only two weeks of school left. Hey now. Three weeks until prom, right? Four weeks until I graduate? What?! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2002-05-30T17:57:00.000-07:00

2002-05-30T14:02:00.000-07:00

What the hell is a "G-guy"? PLEASE email me if you know. PLEASE! I'm begging! It's killing me! Used in context as a job or form of employment. I have no idea in which work force. If you know, email me please. If you know, I'll tell you why and only IF.

2002-05-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

So, there were two events today that sent me on an emotional rollercoaster. More like almost an emotional breakdown. Life is so overwhelming sometimes. I analyze my life like a book, highlighting parts and... writing them down here.

Let me tell you, it's an awful thing. Think about it. Thinking is dangerous. But somehow, somehow-- it's better this way...

In two weeks, Part 1 will be done. The school years. It is very scary. Why is it scary? I'm not quite sure why. Perhaps throwing myself in a world I'm not ready for, intellectually and maturity-wise may freak some people out. Me, mainly. I'm so scared. No one understands. My eyes are welling up. There is regret, there's fear, and melancholy. What more is there to be afraid of in the world?

2002-05-30T08:31:00.000-07:00

"I think I'm good."
"What?"
"I think I'm good. I'm good."
"Really?"
"Yeah... I think I'm good."
There was a rush of... I was so happy for her, but then, as I sat beside her, I saw the table split like a cartoonish breaking heart. A ragged black crack between us. I never knew how much I leaned on her for reassurance-- silent reassurance, might I add. I haven't learned to express myself in such a way yet. I never told her how much I felt understood by her, how much we needed eachother for support through the darkest times, nor did we ever vocalize anything of the sort to eachother. She was just as handicapped as I was, but I felt it was understood, on my part anyway. Even if she wasn't there when I was at my weakest and most melancholy points, my mind in pieces, she was going through the same kind of thing, and I felt a different closeness to her. She was uncontrollably sad, in a strange despair that seemed never to end. I felt it set us apart, even if there's much more to people than what I see of them. A separate war, if you will. One we fought alone, yet together.

And today, she is feeling good. It makes me feel relieved and glad. Happy for her, very honestly. But now what? What do I do? Try to live vicariously through her new found feeling? Sit here and cry because I have no one? Hell no, I can't see myself as that weak of a person, at any time. I've never cried for loneliness or for anything that'll bring on even more self-pity. I'm too proud, I guess in a bad way.

Make something up? Yeah.
So. Maybe I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of dying. Why should I be scared? I know why. Exactly why.

Do I feel that death is so close to me? Do I feel it coming? I think alot of this is subconscious, because honestly, I would never commit suicide. I don't want to die. I'm very scared of death. Maybe I'm simply afraid of my suicidal thoughts, without consciously acknowledging them. Maybe, deep down inside, I do want to die and I don't care what it'll do to people. I can almost predict myself thinking in my dreams, I don't want you to care. Fuck me. Fuck the world. Why is it about them, anyway.
Then I wake up, and I say. "Well. Because I love them." Who they are, I guess you'll never know. What does it matter. They exist, and it's made all the difference.

2002-05-29T17:38:00.000-07:00

Finished Macbeth project. It's pretty... interesting. We had to do it over, and we simply made a movie trailer instead of a big assed complicated movie. I had to slap Shawn a few times before we decided to make the slap noise seperate from the slapping action. It was quite funny, that whole video. It's also crap, but really funny shit. I don't know what kind of mark the group's going to get, oh well, I don't care. Fuck it. Fuck it up the MacAss.
Why am I swearing so much? This isn't like me? Overtired? Now I'm asking too many questions. Meh. I'm going to bed.

2002-05-29T04:31:00.000-07:00

"Give it to me one more time..." -Mr. Roger Jabbour
Yep, the band concert went relatively well. I was quite caught off guard with THAT comment, on our last song of the year.
And now, this interesting little comment from Emily:
"Gee I love Billy [Hennessey]!" HA!

"Want more? Katima-whore!"

"I'm taking a poll. So, how whore-y do you think Emily is?"
"I wouldn't really know... you'll have to ask Roger on that one."
"BURNT."
More results after many contemplating glances: "I would do her." -Josh
"EXTREMELY whore-y." -Tony
"Yeah, she's a big whore. Like, really big." -Vance

2002-05-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

"I've had my foolishness for the day..."
So. We went to Pete Mackinnon's house to film our Macbeth project, had to do strange dance movements in front of a strobe light, and in front of such personnage as Pete, Jim, Shawn, Nick, Amanda, Heather, and Caterina. Oh well. I strongly dislike being so shy in front of people. I'm Lady Macbeth/Lady MacDuff while Erin is gone. I feel like I shouldn't be embarrassed, those people are nice and everything, but I still am embarrassed.
Well. Band concert tonight. Have to eat and get ready.
But first, I'll mention that I was doing an English seminar with Kent in front of the "A Separate Peace" group, and I almost blurted out the word "Fuuuuuck!" while retaining an insane smile. What's wrong with me? I'm just fuuuucking insane. *Grin*...
Alright, actually, the exact feeling was: an urge to yell profanity in an orgasmic scream, and I don't care what you think of me after typing this one up. We all go a little nuts two weeks before school ends. Before this whole structure we've grown up with is gone from under our feet. Ahhhh no more thinking, PLEASE

2002-05-28T04:19:00.000-07:00

Advanced rating on today: I predict an 8.5/10, and I also see dissappointment. I'll be the judge of that tonight.

2002-05-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to say
I can see what you mean. I can try to understand, but I could never understand. Nobody understands anybody else. How could they. We're so complex. I feel so naive, trying to help anybody at anything, with only the awkwardly overused cliches coming to mind-- "I wish I could help", "I care so much", "You have so much to live for", "Let me help you", "Phone me any time day or night". It doesn't mean anything anymore, only to those who bother to write those phrases out, and hope for the best. I don't want to use those anymore, but what other options do I have? Am I clearheaded, myself, enough to think of something effective? No. So here it is, in pieces.
Put
The
Puzzle
Together.

It's like the series of circuits that develop what I am thinking and turns these thoughts into words is killing me. Like a large plugged up artery. I've been trying to make things simpler. As you can tell. Short sentences like these are effective. I get my "simple" points across, to any moron, even myself. Ha. My uncomfortable, sortof anxious and filler-laugh. Ha. You like that? I do. It's definitely grown on me.
Anyways, I'm going to bed, goodnight loves.

2002-05-27T13:48:00.000-07:00

26. Taking a morning run, not because you feel like a potbelly pig but because the sun woke you up and you absolutely can't wait to get outside.

That sounds nicely motivating. Ahhh. How nice. If I give you the source of this "#26", you will surely lol. Ha. I'll have to live with the guilt of... plagarism?

2002-05-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

"I would tramp along trying to decide whether corn had grown there in the summer, or whether it had been a pasture, or what it could ever have been, and in that deep layer of the mind where all is judged by the five senses and primitive expectation, I knew that nothing would ever grow there again... I waited for Leper, in this wintry outdoors he loved, to come to himself again. Just as I knew the field could never grow again, I knew that Leper could not be wild or bitter or psycho tramping across the hills of Vermont."

-John Knowles, A Separate Peace.

2002-05-26T16:59:00.000-07:00

DEMENTED

2002-05-26T11:10:00.000-07:00

I slept so much last night I woke up on my own... at eight thirty a.m this morning. It felt good. I didn't think much about anything, I just slept. That's what I needed.
I also had the hottest bath ever taken by a human being. The heat was on full blast, my entire skin was red like a tomato and especially my feet, which looked like strange lobsters. My sun-burned shoulders stung with pain. My forhead had beads of sweat, and I almost fell asleep. It was horribly uncomfortable after awhile, and I became dehydrated. I drank lots of water afterwards and scarily enough, blow-dried my hair. Then I fainted.
No, I didn't really faint, but I was quite dizzy and extremely sleepy. Ha.
Painted my nails? Yeah. Haven't done that in at least a year. Toe nails, to be exact, I have no fingernails.
This is stupid. Please excuse me while I go to Cash Converters and buy an intelligence.

2002-05-25T18:26:00.000-07:00

Have a good evening, good night.

2002-05-25T17:10:00.000-07:00

Élegie
The dull of the meaningless pain
Mocks a condition sliced so deep
Of which wounds do not bleed
But of mind and body are weak in strange disease.
Love lost, love gained.
Left on the battlefield, set in a muddied grave
For love gained and gone has poisoned it's leaves
So that the flowers planted die
So that nothing is left to forsake, to regain
Of a war-torn coward's tragic death.

2002-05-25T16:50:00.000-07:00

You are truly a wristwatch in a world of lumps.

2002-05-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Five questions answered.
I do like to dance, but I'm self conscious about it. Feels like a junior high moment where my shirt might go above my belly-button to reveal... no! Skin! Well, not that drastic. I just feel out of place in a groovalicious crowd.
Yes, I will be starting my work at Crema Coffee after exams. I'm looking forward to it, it's quite convienient being downtown and getting off work around five or nine at night.
Me? Borderline "questionable"? Only in good humour, dears. Yes, I am straight.
My pet peeve at the moment is myself, being a conceited, superficial, unmotivated bitch.
I wish I could go out tonight, I really do. I think it would kill me if I did.

2002-05-25T12:15:00.000-07:00

Because the world is round, it blows my mind.

2002-05-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

Today. Today, today. What now? Got a pretty scarf and I have red shoulders from yesterday's physics class, which was outside.
I love blue skies.

2002-05-24T17:24:00.000-07:00

I'm going to eat alot now, not going to fit in my prom dress anymore, not going to make it, not going to make it...

2002-05-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Where did my life take me today? Sitting on the living room couch staring at the ceiling, mouth gaping open, concentrating on thinking about nothing. I thought it would be like meditation, non-active yoga or something.
Eat more food. Food tastes good. Get more attention, catching your glances feels good. Hold it all inside, don't bother anybody with problems they don't really care to help you fix or listen to. Don't they have enough problems of their own? Why would they want to be burdened with yours? I'm writing to myself again.
All I want to do is lay in bed, very still and comfortably, and never fall asleep. I can't feel myself sleeping, so I get no real satisfaction from it. Laying warm and comfortable, though, is the best feeling my body physically and mentally can achieve at the end of another day.
That is where life takes me. The end of my day, where I can forget it all in a few minutes of healing. Where I want to forget it all. Where I don't care for it all, and I don't feel any obligation from anybody else to care for myself. Just laying there. There's where I want to be. Right now.
There are some days where you just want to give up. Go to sleep.
Enough of this. When will I get fed up with wallowing in self-pity and realize that beyond depression, I have potential. I have alot of potential, I know this. What do I need? Anything to get me out of this horrible cycle. I don't want to feel sad anymore. I don't want to hate the world, I haven't had enough time or experience to consider hating anything. I don't want to hate you or what you stand for. Hate kills me every time.
I read a comment posted on someone else's site, and it made me want to crawl in a hole until I admit what's been going on to my parents. I have no pride or honor anymore, well... I still do, since I haven't admitted to needing my parents help yet. I guess pride kills me too.
Look at the big picture. Look. LOOK. Try? Ouch.

2002-05-23T17:12:00.000-07:00

Calculus for the fucked soul
I'm going to fuck calculus up it's discontinuous ass-ymptote.
x=17, y=?

2002-05-23T13:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I definitely learned my lesson... kindof funny.

2002-05-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

Someday, my worlds will collide. In so many ways. Everything will fall apart and come together. How long. In so many ways...

2002-05-22T16:39:00.000-07:00

I walked outside today and I felt nothing. No little tinge of happiness. I felt the air was warm, the sun was shinning. And it drives me crazy that I didn't feel wonderful. It drives me absolutely insane that I'm so numb to everything. CRAZY. I'M GOING MAD. Life is receding slowly into... nothing. Damnit, I want my life back.

2002-05-22T16:23:00.000-07:00

I am such a loser. I hate not understanding simple stuff at school and losing motivation. It makes me feel badly.

2002-05-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

Ouch, ouch, life burns sometimes...

2002-05-21T17:36:00.000-07:00

"...levels of reality I had never suspected before, a kind of thronging and epic grandeur which my superficial eyes and cluttered mind had been blind to before. They unrolled away imprevious to me as though I were a roaming ghost, not only tonight but always, as though I had never played on them a hundred times... the people there, were intensely real, wildly alive and totally meaningful, and I alone was a dream, a figment which had never really touched anything. I felt that I was not, never had been and never would be a living part of this overpoweringly solid and deeply meaningful world around me."
-Gene Forrester, A Seperate Peace.
Wow. I finished this novel today, it was great. I'd like to buy it sometime and highlight my favorite parts. Oh, delicious highlighter.

Now for something completely superficial and stupid that will make you all lose your (little or no) "respect" for me. Hey, it's been awhile since I've talked about something so lighthearted as a good looking male. Glancing out the window, glancing at some guy mowing the lawn next to our house... oh yes, oh yes.
Nice green grass-stained tight ass, Mr. Lawnmower.
Strolling in and out of my square window vision, oh delicious faded jeans green grass-stained tight lawn boy ass.
Now would be the time to go into the sexual inuendo about watering the garden, Bart Simpson's "In the garden of Eden", my catch phrase "every woman has a bush and every man has a penis", that "Taking Care of Business" song I always sing about young business men, then going into a rendition (sp?) of "Play that Funky Music, White Boy" and transpose it to a new level, a new low: "Mow that overgrown grass, lawn boy"... but I don't think I will. HA.

Well, too late now. Play that funky music right. Bow chicka wow wow.
I'm going to go regain partial sanity before I go to sleep and rest this overtired, heavy head.

2002-05-21T13:37:00.000-07:00

It felt good today to have been missed. Thanks.

2002-05-20T14:58:00.000-07:00

Thursday, Cirque du Soleil. Beautiful, overwhelming, deep, attention sucking.
"They must have really big...cups." ...Also, hot males in spandex. Whoo.

Saturday night: sitting with Mel, Lindsay, Natalie, and Kelly playing Do, Dump, or Date. Oh the agony-- oh the pain of it all. Having to choose between Killorn, Jabbour, and Foster just about killed some of us.

2002-05-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I had some interesting times sitting on the bus with Emily and Dan and Vance behind us...
"Why isn't [Emily] wearing her whore dress?"
"Tell her to wear the whore dress." -Vance, Corey. On seperate occasions.
*******
"Old men remind me of my work." -Emily
*******
What was REALLY said.
"Why are you always throwing things down my shirt!?" - Emily
"Because you dress like a whore."
"VANCE!" Smack. -Me
"Pardon?" - Emily
"Maybe its because you always wear low-cut shirts." - Vance
"Oh." -Emily

2002-05-20T12:10:00.000-07:00

Oh, and we ate at Nickel's, the same one the last night we were in Montreal on March break during March, in the same booth... I was sitting in the exact same spot... ask anyone there, I freaked out.

2002-05-20T02:03:00.000-07:00

Abstract thoughts
Look who's back. Mixed feelings about being back. I'm just so tired. I have alot of work ahead of me since I hardly did any on the trip... but in most cases, I've done more or the same amount than the rest of the students who went.
I came back to my page and found that my archives had been published without my freaking knowing it. Oh, the horrors.
Want to know about the trip? Well, I had a great time. I went to many of the places I'd visited during the March break, minus all the incriminating mumble jumble. Walked down Crescent street, past Winston Churchill bar, Claddaugh pub, ate at the little hidden Subway, we drove past Foufounne's... I did alot of walking by myself, because for one thing, I don't like shopping with other people and I went on this trip hoping for some "alone time". I didn't do anything wrong. Afterall, it was a school trip, and I have more than half a brain. Emily'll probably fill you in on the fun stuff, the great quotes and the memorable moments. I just can't think right now and I didn't write any of it down.
I was kindof scared being back. I can't explain it. The things I'd left behind seem to be regaining their footholds on me.
I bought alot of underwear. Nice underwear. A really nice outfit and a pair of nice sandles. No prom shoes, damnit. I still have money left over, so it's all good. Bought two CD's and too much food. Blerg.
Alright. Time to stop rambling. I will now catch up on all the lost blog-reading time at almost six a.m in the morning.

2002-05-11T10:23:00.000-07:00

All I need is a break from this monotenous life. I think the band trip will do some good. Also, last night was so great. The stars, the planets, the bonfire, with great people... and a few missing, but, circumstances speak the absences left unsaid. That just made no sense. Well, if I don't post anything of value within the next few hours, I'll see you in eight to nine days. Goodbye

2002-05-11T10:08:00.000-07:00

Yet still sadly unattainable.

2002-05-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm crazy huge
Just felt like saying that, I'm a strange little girl. Can't wait for Montreal. I want my little black dress and my little black shoes. At least I have something to look forward to. I wish I could go to that huge show on the twentieth with all those bands. Awww. I'm missing that. Well... I'll have to buy my worries away. My mother gave me a ridiculous amount of money for food. Yeah, "food". I'll be ten pounds lighter when I get back, no fast food for me. Only Nickels, only Nickels. We MUST eat there, loves.
Anyway. I was very... irritable this morning. Things going through my mind about people as they passed me inthe halls, ignored my Seperate Peace leadership and kept talking when I was trying to listen... now I know how it feels to be on the other side of the school intellect. I was trying to pick out the important parts in the first two chapters in front of people who couldn't shut up about hockey... I was trying to calm down in Calculus, and I left. I gave up.
And I don't have Linx back. I'm going nuts. I love that little guy. We talk about God and evolution and the meaning of life, that plastic giraffe and I.